64 continued....

Before I get into this post, I have to tell you - my cousin, Stephanie, is a music therapist who knows some of the most incredible things about the healing power of music.  She commented on my last post that there is a name for having a song stuck in your head - it's called a "brain itch" and as with any other itch, the only thing you have to do to get rid of it is scratch!  The way you scratch this kind of brain itch is by singing whatever song is stuck in your head all the way through.  I tried it - it totally works and was completely as satisfying as scratching an itch.  Try it!

Now that I've shared an important and valuable tool for happy living, I can get on with this post. :)  I've been doing all kinds of reflecting since we last talked.  Lots of thinking and wondering and trying to get into my own head and see what it is a really want out of life.  At the beginning of my reflection and goal-setting, I was still in the same mind-set I've always been in for goal-setting.  Achievement-oriented...I had (and still have) goals in mind that require me to accomplish something.  A check-list of sorts including things I want to have accomplished before my youth runs out.  Things on my list include:

I think those are worthy goals and things to aim for.  But as I thought about the song that had been itching my brain, "When I'm 64", and what I really wanted to reflect on, my entire paradigm changed and I realized I'd been going about it the wrong way.  Not entirely, but at least partly.

I realized that I didn't have to wait until I was 64 to have a little interview with myself.  My 28-year-old self doesn't know everything that my 64-year-old self will someday know and feel, but I realized that I have a better idea than I thought I did.  There are things today that I regret, and very few of those things have anything to do with things that I have achieved or things that I possess.   The things I feel regret about are small things - things I might have walked right past in my goal-setting session.  Actually, I'm sure I would have walked right past them because in my 28 years I've made goals plenty of times and never thought about them before.

The things I regret have everything to do with the way I live my life every day.  The way I treat people, the things I choose to let come out of my mouth, the way I choose to feel every day, the things I let get on my nerves.  I mean, lets be honest, I do regret not being more careful with our money and that we have to do some digging to get ourselves out, but I can think of a few things that I've carelessly let come out of my mouth that I regret much more than that.  Other things I regret include times when I've lost my "cool", times when I've said something I shouldn't have or when I didn't phrase something carefully enough, letting a day go by without saying a fervent prayer, not taking 20 minutes to take a walk every morning.  These are little tiny things that might not matter in an achievement-driven world, but they matter to me.  They make a difference in the way I feel and the way I make others around me feel.

On the other side there are things I have done that I will never ever regret.  I never regret taking Jackson outside to play or taking time to read him stories and let him look into my eyes and tell me something only he understands but that is clearly important to him.  I've never regretted keeping my home clean so that everything is perfect and relaxing at the end of the day.  I will never regret the things we're doing so that I can be at home with my babies.  I have never regretted taking care of my body and making the right choices so that I feel good.  Soooo many good things and these are the things I want to focus on.

A quote from "The Secret Life of Bees" comes to mind.  You know the part when August tells Lily why her house is painted bright pink.  She did it because it made her sister, May, happy.... and man....THAT matters.

I still have more thinking and reflecting to do....especially with this new insight that I have on what I REALLY want out of life.  The goals I already listed are good and important, but I don't think they are the most important.  I think if I were to accomplish those things, I would look back at age 64 and be proud of myself.  But if those were the only things I did, I think I would be missing out on profound satisfaction and the deep joy that comes from living each day carefully and intentionally.

So now I have new goals...

It's a work in progress and certainly not a complete list, but I feel confident that I'm moving in the right direction.  And now if you'll excuse me, I have a little boy to squeeze and play with and a few dishes in the sink. :)  (<-- note the smile...boo-ya!  I'm on a roll with these new goals!)

When I'm 64

The older I get the more I learn about myself.  For instance...I recently came to the discovery that I always have a song in my head.  ALWAYS.  Sometimes the same song stays in there all day or for a couple of days even, but there's always some kind of rockin going on in there.  (I use the term "rockin" lightly since I have caught myself mind-syncing the abc's and the itsy-bitsy spider before....at least I have a kid and therefore an excuse.)

Anyway, the song de jour is "When I'm 64" by the Beatles.  Now, I'm not very good at remembering song lyrics on my own.  It's much easier to sing along than it is to sing alone and I have been known to make up my own words when I don't understand what they really are.  I won't embarrass myself here, but I will say I don't know this song very well and since I don't know it very well, only the parts I do know have been running through my mind.  Like: "da da da da, da da da da, da da da, da. da. da. da bottle of wine..."  and something about a valentine and of course "When I'm 64".   (In case you can't remember the words and it's bothering you the way it's bothering me now, I will put the lyrics at the bottom.)

What's cool about having THIS song stuck in my head is that it totally ties in with what's been going on in my mind for the last few days.  I've been thinking about my great grandma who I saw last Saturday.  She is 93 and still doing well.  She's obviously not a sharp as she used to be, but it is sooo amazing to have her around. I love seeing her, and I think it is quite an accomplishment to live long enough to see and know your great-GREAT grandchildren.  

{Grandma Rowen when she was young with some of her friends from beauty school.  She's in the middle.}

I wonder if there's anything she regrets or anything she would do differently.  I wonder if she had the chance if she would go back and change some of her habits.  I wonder if she would have made some different goals or worked harder to get to them if she knew what her entire life looked like in retrospect.  Mostly I don't wonder those things about her...she seems content and satisfied with all she's done.  She should be.

{Grandma Rowen now}

But what about when I'm 93 or "When I'm 64" like I've been wondering all morning.  I wonder how I'll feel.  Wouldn't it be nice to be able to have a conversation with your older self and ask her what she would do differently if she could so that you could work a little harder or change a couple of things and be regret-free?  I mean, I 'get' the whole "live without regrets" thing where you do your best and forgive yourself for the things you can't do.  That's one way to live regret-free.  But I really want to know, and since I can't have a conversation with my older self (besides being impossible it would be creeeeepy), I have to make stuff up and hope that I make the right decisions.

For example...there are a couple of ways for me to treat my body, and I am in a place right now where I feel all pumped up about making some goals.  But I want to make the right ones.  So what would my 64-year-old self say?  Is it weird?  I am honestly wondering this.  If I were to work hard and change a LOT of my habits and get to a good, healthy weight and learn how to stay there, will my 64-year-old self look back and say, "Man, I missed out on a lot of good stuff...shoulda just gone with it."  OR If I stay on the track I'm on and not worry about it too much except to be reasonable will my 64-year-old self kick her own behind and regret not having the body and the physical stamina she might have had. 

Everything has the same conversation going on...pro's and con's on each side.  I have a lot of thinking and contemplating and goal-setting to do.  I want to do what's most important and sometimes what seems like it's most important today won't be the most important when I'm 64.  That's what I don't want to mess up (too much) on.  There is so much to sort out.  So much to wonder about myself and who I want to be.  The beauty is that I can pretty much decide to be whoever I want tomorrow no matter how different that person is from me today.  I really believe that.  Man, I gotta go find a piece of paper.  Time for some serious goal-setting.

Before I forget - here are those lyrics.  SUCH a better song with words. :)

When I get older losing my hair,

Many years from now.

Will you still be sending me a valentine

Birthday greetings bottle of wine.

If I'd been out till quarter to three

Would you lock the door,

Will you still need me, will you still feed me,

When I'm sixty-four.

You'll be older too,

And if you say the word,

I could stay with you.

I could be handy, mending a fuse

When your lights have gone.

You can knit a sweater by the fireside

Sunday mornings go for a ride.

Doing the garden, digging the weeds,

Who could ask for more.

Will you still need me, will you still feed me,

When I'm sixty-four.

Every summer we can rent a cottage,

In the Isle of Wight, if it's not too dear

We shall scrimp and save

Grandchildren on your knee

Vera, Chuck & Dave

Send me a postcard, drop me a line,

Stating point of view

Indicate precisely what you mean to say

Yours sincerely, wasting away

Give me your answer, fill in a form

Mine for evermore

Will you still need me, will you still feed me,

When I'm sixty-four. 

Real Housewives

A few years ago, my brother Tucker and his wife lived close to us in Utah.  She was working, he was going to school to be a pilot and worked part time at an airport "park and ride".  His job was to provide valet parking and drive the shuttle to and from the airport terminal.  The joke we always passed around was that he was a "professional driver".  After all, he DID drive for a living.  Okay, so hold that thought...it ties in.

{My brother, Tucker, with a fellow professional driver in Panama City.}

There I was folding my laundry and watching some show on tv just to pass the time when a commercial came on for the "Real Housewives of ..."  who knows where.  Two smartly-dressed women (who I'm sure have their charming moments) were at lunch together and one of them was in the process of telling the other "I called you garbage because that what you are...garbage."  ew.

I've seen the listings for the "Real Housewives" shows before but have never ever watched one.  Don't know why I ever would.  The whole concept is so unappealing to me.  A bunch of spoiled, bratty women getting into fights about petty things.  Sounds like high school in Beverley Hills.  No thank you.  Plus, am I the only one who thinks it's about the most ironic thing that it's called the "REAL" housewives??  Really?  Can my brother really call himself a professional driver?  Not if he wants anyone to take him seriously.  If I were to re-name the show I think I would call it the "Fake Housewives" at the very least or "Pretend Housewives" or "Women Who Happened to be Married to Men Who Provide For Them, but Who Don't Act Like Wives at All, Not to Mention 'Housewives'".

I don't know, maybe things are different in New Jersey and New York and Washington D.C....I seriously doubt it.

I don't know who I feel worse for, the women who embarrass themselves on the show (even the commercials are embarrassing), their husbands, their families or any single man or woman who watches the show and thinks that's what "real" housewives are like. It is mostly to those who might be confused that I would like to direct this post.  That is most certainly NOT what real housewives are like.  Trust me, I know lots of them.

Being a housewife is so much more than staying at home because your husband can support you.  My mother-in-law works 10-12 hours a day outside of her home to support her family and is one thousand times the "housewife" of any "Real Housewife of New Jersey".

{Dan and LaNae...Jeff's -incredible- mom and dad}

I mean I guess it doesn't take much to be able to call yourself a wife.  A couple of court documents can do that, but really.  To me being a wife is much more, being a housewife is much MUCH more.  The real housewives I know are good women who encourage and lift the people around them, they are nurturing to their husbands and to their children, they honor their families, themselves and their homes, they are selfless and kind and well...maybe some examples would serve us well here.

I know a woman whose husband lost his job and his means of supporting their family.  He was out of a job for almost a year.  He searched and searched for work and couldn't find any.  She was frustrated, but understood that he was frustrated.  She held her tongue when she wanted to scream.  She didn't cry and throw fits to him.  She cried in the shower when she couldn't hold it in anymore.  She took walks to re-group before saying anything she might regret.  She kissed him and smiled at him and loved him when she didn't understand how he could relax at home instead of continuing his search.  She let him work through it.  She trusted that he would.  She knew that what was hard for her to go through was a million times worse for him.  She dressed her 2 children in the most adorable used clothing she could find, instead of the new clothes she was used to buying for them.  She made the best of it all, and I don't think her husband will ever EVER doubt that she loves, supports and trusts him.  I can look up to a woman like that.

I know a woman who left her job, her parents and siblings, and the life she knew to support her husband in a new job across the country.  A job that would last a mere 2 years.  Her teenagers argued, the younger ones said it wasn't fair.  She did it anyway.  She followed him lovingly and trustingly and showed her children (and more importantly her husband) that while dad could support the family financially from across the country, he could not do all the other important things dads and husbands do every day.  They needed to be together.  He will always remember that, and will always love her for standing by him.  I love her for that.

My dad's mom, Grandma Boyd, is gone now, but she is a woman who always had hot breakfast on the table for her husband and children...every morning at 6am they gathered to eat together.  Dinner was at 6pm when she had the table set with lovely dishes and delicious food.  She honored her family by serving them and making them her priority.  Thinking outwardly instead of inwardly...what a godly attribute.

My mom's mom always vacuumed the house and put on lipstick before my grandpa got home from work.  Grandpa's retired now, but grandma still does all she can to look her very best for him.  Talk about honoring her husband and showing him that after 55 years of marriage she still loves him and wants to please him.

I have an aunt who nursed her husband and stood by his side after a brain injury left him angry, mean, cold and depressed.  She loved him when she didn't recognize him, she forgave him when he treated her like he she didn't matter.  She looked past his actions to the sickness that robbed both of them of their beautiful life together.  She loved him anyway.  One day at a time for 5 years she loved him, until his recovery was complete.  Their marriage has now bloomed and blossomed like nothing you've ever seen.  It is breath-takingly beautiful.

My mom, knowing that my dad feels best when things are clean and tidy makes sure everything is in order before he gets home from work.  My dad also likes to eat dinner at 5, when he gets home, so guess what?  Dinner is always ready at 5.

These, to me, are real houswives and now that I've gone back and re-read what I wrote, I didn't even give many examples about a cleaning schedule or meal planning or any of those other things.  So the point there is forget about real 'house'wife....to me, you start by being a real wife, then work on the rest of the duties a housewife takes care of - caring for her home, loving and teaching her children, honoring her family, taking care of herself so she can take care of all those things.

I guess in the end, I feel like the "Real Housewives of wherever" are fakes (or at least they are portrayed that way in the commercials.  Like I said - never watched the show).  And I feel like anyone who watches that show and ones like it and believe that REAL housewives are like that are being cheated and tricked into thinking that housewives are rude and petty and care more about taking care of themselves than they do about taking care of anyone else.  They're not and they don't.

Call me old-fashioned.  I might even be flattered if you did.  I really don't believe any kind of happiness comes from acting like a "Real Housewife of wherever".  June Cleaver is closer to the secret to a happy, blissful life.  I know I'm not the only one who believes the way I do.  I've met too many women who believe like I do.  Too bad they're not the ones on tv to prove it to you...at least not anymore.

Stop Worrying and Start Living -Dale Carnegie

I'm pretty sure moms always know more than they let on to...maybe even more than they think they know.  I just started this book - "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" on my mom's recommendation.  She bought it at Good Will a while back, and loaned it to me the other day when I asked for a good read.  This particular book was printed in 1948, just a few years after it was published.  It doesn't look like the one in the picture...mine is black with a hard cover and it has Dale Carnegie's signature on the front.  It smells like an old book and the pages are well-separated, like it's been read a million times.  I love that.  I've only read the first 12 pages and already feel that it's changed the way I think and helped me see what I need to do in order to...well...stop worrying.

That my mom would even suggest this book is an insight into my heart, whether she knew it or not.  Worry, anxiety, distress, doubt, fear, uneasiness and that unsettled feeling in my heart and stomach have been my constant companions for a while now.  And when you feel those feelings long enough you start to believe them AND you start to let them define you.  You start to think that what you feel is what you believe and who you are.  Those are lies.  Ugly lies that keep us down and make us feel hopeless and helpless.  They make us feel stuck in the mistakes of the past and worrysome about the worst the future could possibly hold.  But that could be its very own post...needless to say, 'worry' had made itself uncomfortably comfortable in my heart, without me really even realizing it until now.

What's funny about the age of this book is the irony of it having something so worth while to teach me.  Not that I am foolish to think that there aren't entire libraries of old books full of things I don't know.  What I mean is, even though this book was written 60 years ago, the things that Dale Carnegie writes about aren't new, and at the same time they are SO new and enlightening.  None of the concepts are so new and foreign that I haven't heard them before.  I think it's the power in his words that hits me so hard...I mean listen to this...

"Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall.  anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day.  Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down.  And this is all that life really means."  -Robert Louis Stevenson

Dwelling in the past and fretting about the future is what gets us into trouble...the meaning of the entire quote is summed up in the very last sentence - "and this is all that life really means."  Life isn't lived in years or weeks or even days, really.  Life is lived right NOW.  I mean, when else are you going to enjoy life?  Tomorrow?  To think that we can be happy or that we will be happy at some point in the future is not only illusive...it's impossible.  In order to be happy, we do what we can....we do everything we can right now and enjoy it.  Sure we learn from what we've already been through and we plan for what we think lies ahead, but why hold on to any anxiety about it.

When I picked this book up, I wondered what it would say.  And after 12 pages it makes perfect sense that the very first chapter would be about living right NOW and forgetting about the lie that I can change anything in the past or control anything in the future.  And because of that, I have to let go of my pet excuses....the ones I keep around because they make me feel "good".  The excuse that "I will be happy when...[fill in the blank with 1 million expectations] and "I will start exercising tomorrow...or Monday...or after I have this baby."  Lie.  It's not gonna happen.  The excuse that "I will keep in touch with the people I love another day" or "I will set the table and make beautiful dinners for my family next week."

They're all lies.  If I want to change anything or accomplish anything worth accomplishing, TODAY is the day.    And you know what the real secret is?  The real secret is that once you decide to live right now (and as a side-note, I DO believe that there is a learning curve and it takes time to learn a new skill), but once we decide to live for today and for the very moment we're in, everything changes.  On the very first day of trying (you know...when it's the easiest) the anxiety about tomorrow goes away, and life becomes blissful.  I have really learned what I had always heard and what Dale Carnegie is teaching - there is no happy destination somewhere in the future...that illusion is a mirage....a pretty picture in the desperation of life's desert.  Life is meant to be blissfully happy right now.  AND there is more than enough to be blissfully happy about.

I'm not perfect at it, and still feel worried but I am taking it a day at a time and learning to do what I can about my troubles today and let tomorrow take care of itself.  I choose to live today...to be happy today....to let yesterday and tomorrow take care of themselves....Here's to a happy day TODAY for you!!!!

Public Service Announcement

A couple years ago in Utah, they did a huge public campaign on driving with unsecured junk in the back of your truck or trailer.  Like every other commercial on the local stations was about stuff (ladders, couches, mattresses, garbage and everything else} flying off the back of some guy's truck and some other guy running off the road to avoid it OR being smashed by it.  The message got through.

If I were a public servant, I would put out my own campaign.  I already have it ready in my mind...

Miles and miles of traffic backed up...everyone frustrated....5 mph instead of 65 mph....everyone wondering "what is going on up there?"   Cause lets be honest, if you get 3 miles down the road 30 minutes later, and traffic's been slow because of an accident, you let it go.  If, however, you get up a mile and see a sign like this on the left-hand side of the road:

Then you see another one like this:

Then you know that the only reason traffic is backed up for miles is because of idiots who, instead of merging when they see the very first sign...or even the second sign....WAIT until they are all the way up to the very LAST sign and the lane has ended.  So they have to stop, and everyone else has to stop so they can merge.  And the most annoying part is you know that some of them do it just to get ahead in the lane that seems to have no traffic.

SOOO the point to my public service announcement would be:

If you're the idiot guy who waits until the last minute to merge OR if you're the dummy lady who doesn't let anyone merge, YOU'RE the one causing the traffic jam, and thank you very much from the rest of us. :)

Illustration from our last trek to Idaho:

Wow...I feel like I've done a real public service....at least it feels good to have that off my chest. :)  Maybe I'll go out for election next year.

what i learned at brave girls camp

Like I said before, I have been to Brave Girls Camp 3 times so far, and plan to go to as many more as I possibly can.  If I told you what I do at Brave Girls, you might not think it makes sense to want to go.  I mean, I basically spend 12 hours a day for 5 days as one of the staff - caring for, cleaning for and cooking for 35 women.  On the outside, it sounds a little like I'm getting the short end of the stick.  BUT Brave Girls Camp is something incredible.  Being one of the ones to care for and nurture those women is a privilege to me - something I'd never give up.  It's amazing to see how their perspectives change...how they see themselves differently when they leave than when they come....how different we all are, but at the same time how we are SO the same.

Before I go on, let me say I am not a man-hater.  I think men are incredible creatures...I learn more about that from my husband all the time.  BUT since we are talking about women...since Brave Girls is about women, I will say here that I think women are incredible people.  Capable of SO much good...so much love.. so much godliness and grace.  My very favorite part of Brave Girls Camp (and I can't say I won't say another part was my favorite later...I have LOTS of favorite parts), but right now the one that's on my mind is that I learn something HUGE from each person I meet at BGC.  Everyone gives their best and because of that we all take SO much home...so much that it lasts forever and ever and keeps going in my heart for a long time.  Here's what I learned this time...

{Every prayer is heard and answered}

{Sometimes you have to go a long LONG way to find truth...but if you don't stop looking you'll find it}

 

{Happy faces live on happy people and it shows}

{Sometimes our worst enemies...the ones that tear us down the most...are in our heads.  It is OUR CHOICE to let them tell us how we should be or kick them out}

{Sometimes we have to be brave by just holding on}

{It only takes a few words to make big points and touch hearts}

{Sometimes the strongest, kindest and most powerful are also the quietest}

{Some heartaches never go away...they just don't...we can choose to let it bring us down or build us up.  Building is HARD, but beautiful things come when we choose to let them}

{We ought to stick together...support each other...help each other heal...help each other fly}

{If you want to sing out, sing out!}

{People have the power to make anything out of their lives.  Some of the most beautiful lives come from unexpected beginnings}

{Dreams are precious things and should be fought for...things don't always (okay hardly ever) happen just how we want them to, but ALWAYS how they are supposed to}

{Try new things...even things that seem hard at first or uncomfortable....you don't have to be a 'musician' to sing, don't have to be a 'dancer' to shake it, and most importantly you don't have to be an 'artist' to play with paint}

{Smiles, encouragement and love go a long LONG way...even from strangers}

{Goodness is easy to see in a person's eyes...}

{There's no such thing as 'too sweet'}

{Sometimes friends just need a hand to hold...the best kind of friends are always ready for that}

{The world needs authenticity...no facades...just real, genuine us.  We need it too.}

{All it takes to have incredible friends, is to be an incredible friend}

{Love and service re the keys to a long and happy life}

{Some days it's hard to just put one foot in front of the other...but if we keep trying...keep going....someday we'll look back and see the miles we've come}

{It's okay to be 'closed' for a while...to take time to figure things out...to ponder.  The people who really care are happiest to see you take time for yourself}

{Forgiveness...the REAL kind of forgiveness brings profound peace...leads to deep joy, light hearts, sparkly eyes, and power for good}

{Love is the greatest gift we can give each other...we bless ourselves and everyone around us when we give it freely}

{It's okay if what you want to do with your life isn't what everyone else wants to do with theirs...keep going on your very own path and LOVE IT}

{Happiness is a choice}

{Even incredible people are rarely what they seem to be on the outside...dig deeper for the real treasure}

{We are all just fun-loving, free-spirited little girls in big girl bodies}

{We all want to be understood...nothing is more precious than a listening ear and an understanding heart}

{There's no such thing as 'too happy'}

Love you, Brave Girls!!  Thank you for these and ALL the other lessons you taught me this week - I will never ever forget you! xoxo

what IS brave girls camp?

In the last 8 months I have been to 3 Brave Girls Camps and every time I get back I feel like I have a brand new audience to explain it to.  It's hard for me to put into words exactly what it is.  When people ask me, I usually tell them that Brave Girls Camps are "art and life retreats for women".  But that is SO only on the surface.  And since I don't feel like I could ever EVER do it justice, I'm going to let some other people give it a whirl...I feel like I owe it to the people I've tried my hardest to explain it to, and I owe it to the incredible, magical thing that is Brave Girls Club...

First, meet Suzi Blu (suziblu.ning.com).  She was at this last BGC.  I'd heard nothing but GOOD things about her from my aunt, Melody, who knows her well.  I had no idea what a free-spirited, fun, loving, creative person I was about to meet.  She teaches video art classes online, and since we've been back, I've watched like 4 of her YouTube Videos (suziblutube is her channel...check it out).  I love her personality and how she doesn't try to hide anything.  She is authentic and 100% Suzi on her videos.  I love her...you will too...just watch...

Second is a video made by Brave Girls Club with interviews from other people who have been there..

This is just the tip of the iceberg so-to-speak.  There is SO much more depth and breadth to Brave Girls Camp that I don't think anyone could ever explain.  The only way to know is to go.  Do it.  You'll love it.

www.bravegirlsclub.com